Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Sid's secret behaviour



"Bubz, I have to talk to you", said Sid while I was rushing around the house looking for my shoes. "Later, later, I'm busy" my voice echoed from under the bed, trying to wriggle my arm as far under as possible. "It can't wait" he said. "Well hang on let me find these shoes", I replied, throwing myself into a messy pile of bags in the corner of our bedroom.  "NOW", bellowed Sid. My shock manifested itself in a bag flying across the room, a pair of shoes falling out - the wrong ones.  "What's the yelling for?", I asked, hurt (literally, I banged my wrist while diving into the bags).  "I have reason to believe that you are not being faithful", he said in an alarmingly high pitched squawk. I think he was going for a mix between haughty and irate. I was stung and if it wasn't for the squawk, I might have been irate as well, but I was actually mildly amused.  "What is wrong with you? What reason? Who said? Why unfaithful?" He pounced on my slew of questions like Mia at an unsuspecting bunch of sparrows.  "Aha! So you admit. You're deflecting by answering my questions with more questions. You think it will distract me? It will not"!

"It won't"
"Absolutely not, I'm on to you"
"Are you?"
"100 percent, I have proof"
"What proof?"
"I will reveal that at the right time"
"Which isn't now?"
"It will be shortly"
"Will it?"
"Yes, it will"
"Should I wait? Let me know when it'll be"
"I will".
"You've lost track haven't you"?
"Damn you woman and your stupid questions, I knew you'd make me forget"!

"My unfaithfulness", I said helpfully. "Yes, yes that. I overheard you talking to someone in the bedroom.". I was genuinely shocked. "Who? When?" "There shall be no more questions, missy. I'll do the questioning. Only those who have been wronged have that right"! I slapped him on the wrist, "Oh shut up, what wrong and right. What in the world are you talking about?"  He decided to shed some more light on this supposedly murky issue. "I heard you talking to someone on the phone.  I just caught a few words. Who have you been in "compromising positions" with? "Cheating" on me with some young lad I'm sure! And even something about baby names! You disgust me. In our own house. In our bedroom"!

I was completely stunned and confused. "When did you hear all this? I have no idea what you're talking about. Did you drink my cold medicine again. I know you do because it tastes like candy floss. It's making you hallucinate.  He raised his hand to silence me, "I was of completely sound mind and body when I passed by our room door this morning".  "This morning?", I cast my mind back to the morning, racking my brains about who I could have been talking to on the phone about "compromising positions", etc.  The words seemed to ring a faint bell. And then it dawned on me. "Reading the newspaper". I said. "Rather an odd time to want to read anything. I'm in the middle of questioning you"! I shushed him with my hands, "No, not now. In the morning. I was reading the paper. Some article about the cops catching couples in the park in "compromising positions", and then an article on some high tech "cheating" in the AIIMS exam and then something about Beyonce's "baby name" being based on numerology. Blue Ivy Carter, that's the name"  It was his turn to look stunned. "A likely story", he stuttered. "Not at all. Read the Delhi Times, that's what it says, Blue Ivy Carter".  He glared at me and I laughed, "Oh for god's sake. How you could imagine, I would cheat on you is beyond me. Anyhow, I only call my boyfriend on Tuesdays from the bathroom or when you're playing golf."  He didn't approve and looked distastefully at me.  "Why were you reading the newspaper aloud?"  I felt embarrassed, but I had to clarify.   "I just like reading aloud". "You what?", he asked.

Ok, so like most normal people, I do have secret behaviour that I generally only display when I think I'm alone. It may sometimes come out unknowingly, like this morning.  "I forgot you were home. I've always enjoyed reading aloud. It just makes more sense, the words just come alive. And I like the sound of my "reading voice".  He looked puzzled, "Your what?"  "My reading voice", I repeated, "I even do different accents or sometimes read like a newsreader, it's great fun. Not to mention, I am very good at it!"  He burst out laughing, "You freak! Who does that?"  I shrugged off his insensitive chuckling, "Well I do. Lots of people do silly things when they're alone. I read aloud. I also talk to myself when stressed or sometimes into the mirror.  I dance in front of the mirror and sometimes I talk like I'm on a cook show when I'm cooking".  "Freak", he repeated. "Oh please, i'm sure you have secret behaviour. Everyone does. Even after getting married, it's something that you always have to remind you of yourself, before you were part of a pair of a larger whole. It's just something unique to you.  It's very liberating really".  He shrugged, "No point trying to make it sound smarter than it is. You're still a freak".  I was bored by now and quite irritated, plus I hadn't found my shoes. "No less freakish then when you dance like you're having a spasm in front of Mia. Or when you whip out your imaginary gun and hum the James Bond tune. Or that you hide certain whisky bottles in a separate cupboard and don't share them with anyone. Drinking them when I'm out of the house.  And let us not forget eating food off the floor, when you think I'm not looking"!  He looked flustered, "How did you..?What the...? When did you see all this?"

I pulled one of my shoes out from under Mia's bottom, her usual place to hide secret stash, she just sits on it.  She of course looked surprised at how that could have ended up in her lodgings!  "I'm always looking", I said, directing it at both dog and man.  "Not really secret behaviour now is it?  Pot calling the kettle black".  He looked uncomfortable, "Oh I just...you know...sometimes...for fun...you won't tell anyone bubz?"  I smiled while I pulled out the other shoe from under Mia's mattress.  I brought it up to my mouth, blew the dust off and aimed it at him, striking a pose, "I'll think about it. Ta ran ta raaa ta ra raaaa. Taa ra ra, ta raa raa". He wasn't amused, "That is not what James Bond does!"  I lowered my shoe and strolled out, "Fine, I'll watch you more closely from behind the door next time".  He came running after me, "Don't tell anyone please.  If this reaches my secret girlfriend she won't be impressed.  Bubz, bubz, are you listening to me?"

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